Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
