I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
