Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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