i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
