I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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