remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
