I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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