I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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