Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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