smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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