chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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