I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize