My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
