I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
