i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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