my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Randomize
