It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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