i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
NoShamevember. You game?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Randomize
