Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i think i scared a bird with my dick
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
