I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
