they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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