you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
