When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize