my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm just crazy horny about you
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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