i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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