I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
