I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
