If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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