Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
