I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
