youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
