u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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