I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
