evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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