Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
