a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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