Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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