No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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