Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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