you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
