I wish I only lived at night.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
