You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
