Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
