K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
