i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize