Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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