I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
