I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize