The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Life is so much better after having sex.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
