I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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