I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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