I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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