At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize