I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
