Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
