my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
