You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
