if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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