You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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