how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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